Finding it all!

Last August, we had a film making workshop with Madhusudan Agrawal.  I would say he’s a film maker with a difference.  I would not talk about him here, more because he is a person to be met and experienced.  So during one of those sessions, he had said something that struck me as the most important part of the whole exercise.  He had said, “Whatever film you make, in fact whatever you do, you need to find the ‘chi’ or ‘che’(pronounced as shi) in it.  It is the soul of your work and that’s what makes it worthwhile.  Whatever you do, the soul of your work has to be there to make it a great piece of work!”

I had thought, ‘Hmm. That means my life needs to have the chi too.’  Since then I have been in the process of discovering it.  

26^th March, 2011, I was on my way back from Mumbai.  I had gone there purely for my own selfish need.  To see how I would fit in a place I heard so much about. To live and experience life there.  If you have been reading my posts, you would know that I did not really like my stay there.  It was hectic and my time with my own self was scarce.  But something changed my thoughts about Mumbai.  Something that made me re-think about the dream city.

It is really funny how things just walk into your life.  All through your life, you run behind things and suddenly, when you are least expecting anything, bang! It just pops up in your life and it seems like it was never missing.  It may be people or things that you thought you would never ever confront.  It would be events that would change your life forever.  All you can do is be dumbfounded, then be happy and savour the moment. 

In the process of finding the ‘chi’ or ‘che’ of my life, I think I have come across something that could be it.  The probabilities are more.  The excitement is more.  And so is the process.  I think I have found it.  All I am waiting is for it to be confirmed. 

A tempest inside

Today is my last day here, in CNN IBN office. My much-desired, much-coveted internship is finally at its glorious end today.  I say glorious because I enjoyed lot during this period, more importantly learned a lot.  I met some wonderful people, made friends, nurtured feelings, hoping that I left an impression.

I thought I would personally go and say bye to some people. This was planned some days back. But then towards the stipulated time, I am having different thoughts. I shall tell you the reason.

Yesterday, one intern left and today I will be leaving.  While we were in office yesterday, I saw them taking interviews of 15 new interns.  Our positions were filled even before we had vacated them.  Like how it happens in government hospitals.  I saw the process and guess I had a pang inside. Somebody else would be occupying my seat, working on the same computer that I am working at the moment and no one would even think about me.  My hours of work and dedication would soon be confined to a letter of appreciation.

I have always been sure of my feelings.  Well, lets say most of the times.  Sometimes, there has been a chaos. Each emotion trying hard for the biggest space in my head.  And in that chaos, the moment gets lost.  Such is the situation today.  I know I will miss this office, some people, the running around etc. But will I do it again if given a chance? I dont know.

I think the change of dreams are responsible for this havoc in my head.  I mean I always wanted to belong to the media in Mumbai, but when I actually went through a 'test-dose' in this one month, I am not sure if this is what I wanted.  Failure in dreams is at least an end, but confusion at this stage is scary.  I know I want to be in the field of media but in Mumbai is not something concrete in my mind anymore.

Hmm. I guess that is too much of speaking-my-mind done. So that's all for now. 

My morning sandwich

It was Tuesday morning, 8.16 am and I was waiting for a local train at Malad station, Mumbai.  There were about 40 to 50 more women near where I was standing, all voraciously waiting for the train chugging ever so slowly on to the station.  The immediate imagination I had was of a cute little white rabbit hopping ever so lazily into the lion’s den, and a set of cubs, all set to pounce on and ravage it.

The ladies’ bogie hadn't even reached where the women were standing and they all ran for it.  I did not want to get into this one.  It was too packed, but before I could back off, the human tide pushed me in.  I had no option than to get it.  And that, as I realized later, was a huge mistake.

As soon as I got in, there was a searing pain in my right foot’s last two toes.  Some girl, who had decided to try heels and trample others in the train in the process, had had a sudden realization that she was supposed to move ahead.  Which she did, killing the red blood cells of my little toes in the process!  Anyway, except for a little swell of salt water in my eyes, I couldn’t give it more.

The next station had more adrenaline-filled females push into the coach, chattering and arguing, some about their husbands who can’t buy cars, some about the crazy heat and some just about anything.  The tide became stronger and I was pushed in further.  Then she came.

She was well…healthy.  I would not exactly call her fat because she wasn’t.  She was just a little healthier than others and that commanded a little too much of space than there possibly was.  And she tried to push her way in too.  It was as if a tsunami struck an already turbulent sea.  This time I wasn’t exactly pushed.  It was worse.

I was literally sandwiched.  I did not know where my bag or earphones were.  I could only see part of my hand and hair.  I was twisted and stuck in the most unbelievable manner ever.  If I was a cripple like that, I would be a physiotherapist’s dream.  If I was poised like that, I would be an artist’s muse.  Every organ of mine screamed again my epidermis that they are not able to breathe.

10 minutes went on.  The next station was announced.  Some un-sandwiched part of my head thought, “Ah! Finally!!”.  As the train chugged into that station, the jostling continued and intensified for some women were to get out.  My healthier co-traveler too pushed out.

Out of many hands clasping onto the holders, I saw that I was three stations (still??? Gosh, it's been ages!!!) away from my destination.  As more and more women got out, I felt air rushing in and that felt good. I was amazed at the way my body had needed air.

In a few minutes (that seemed like years!) my destination came and I formed a tide pushing my way out towards the door.  Those in my previous condition were giving me the looks and their hearts abusing me. 

As I was about to step out, on one side another great tsunami pushed in all over again.  With all might that was left in me, I got out, gave a toss of my painful head and said, "Women!!" 

Little things that matter

Oh well, it has been 19 days since I came to Mumbai.  And I don’t know whether to be happy or sad about what I am feeling at the moment.  I won’t say I have turned a complete Mumbaikar, but I can say that I am not scared of the crowd or the local trains or the life here anymore.  The whole ‘Oh Mumbai!’ emotion has gone numb.

Having said that, I still am completely mesmerized by the city.  Let me use my metaphorical skills.  I see Mumbai as a pretty teenage girl.  She has myriad moods, countless emotions and unbelievably good sense of her own lethal beauty. 

When I open the windows of my tenth floor apartment at night and look out, I see the buildings all lit up with numerous lights.  A thought that immediately strikes is that there are so many different kinds of people living, living with various dreams and expressions.  Imagining all these coloured lights as their dreams, fulfilled and unfulfilled, big and small, useless and important, they seem to be oozing life every second.  I see down from my window and the city appears calm and serene at night, but in my mind, I know that she is like a sleeping tigress.  Unbelievably in slumbers but equally vigilant and fidgety about her surroundings!

I am now no more scared of the crowd or of the hectic life.  I wanted to test this when I was living a relatively slow life back home.  I know I shall adapt to it.  With time, I will become one of those countless demeanors that pass me daily, with countless dreams.  But a question that arises while I think of this is if I really, honestly want to become one of those faces?  I know I shall adapt to Mumbai, but do I really want to?  I don’t know.

Moving on, in this mad run and rut of life, there are some teeny-weeny things that quite like a good breeze during a hot day bring relief to a tired being.  Let me quote one such example of my day yesterday. 

I had had a very hectic day and while on my way back, I was famished.  As I got down at Malad station, I bought a vada paav.  As I reached the steps for the over-bridge, I saw a little girl, of about 8-9 years of age.  She had another kid, a child of about 1-2 years old with her.  She was standing near a food stall and looking quite intently at the foods kept inside the glass cases.  On an impulse, I handed the packet of vada paav to her.  She was taken aback since her eyes had two seconds long curious look in them.  I smiled at her and she smiled back. 

That brought about an amazing change in my bearing.  It taught me how a small incident can actually work wonders and help you forget your bad moments.  It taught me the value of that little drop of water on a hot day, of a good handshake during a hectic schedule, of a friend’s ‘hi’ or ‘good night’ message at night, of little moments in life that make it worth living!

All about goof ups!

Yesterday was a big day.  International Women’s day is after all a big day.  But how good it is to a woman who goes for her first really big engagement and makes a bigger goof up? Read on!

I was at the CNN IBN office when at around 6.30 pm, I was called by one of the senior reporters at his desk.  I go to him to find out that it’s a shoot that I have to go to and something of the kind that I have never been to before. 

“There is a research conducted according to which Indian men exhibit the highest rate of sexual violence and India is worst on gender equality.  So you have to do a vox pop (ask random people about their takes on a particular issue) at Phoenix.  We need it for the 9 pm news. Hurry…” I was told.

Since this was my first big shoot till now, with more involvement, I was excited and practically ran for it.  We reached Phoenix and I started looking around for women.  I did find women who were ready to talk till they heard that they had to come in front of the camera.  Then they would say ‘Oh I am not looking good enough to come on camera, or I am too camera conscious etc.”

Basically within 20 minutes I could convince only one woman.  I was tired of ‘I am in a hurry or my husband’s come etc.”  But I had no other option other than go on.  Hence within 45 minute I got four women to give me their opinions, after massive convincing.

Only one more and I will be done, I thought.  That was when I saw a middle aged lady with her husband coming out of the mall.  Ok, here comes a perfect couple.  She looked like she could have an opinion and could speak well about it.  I went up to her, told her the issue and she agreed to come on camera to give her opinion.

She came in front of the camera, thinking and asking me what to say and her husband following, with a mysterious smile on his face.  I wish I had given a little more than a glance to his smile!  Anyway, as she stood in front of the camera, my cameraman and helper started whispering though all I could hear was ‘awaaz’.  I thought they are saying she may not sound good on camera or something.  What the hell, she is ready to help and now these people have issues with her voice, I thought irritably.

Meanwhile, she went to talk to her husband for a minute and then came back.  Suddenly she said she cannot do this.  Seeing my confused look, she said, “I am sorry dear, but you see, my husband here is the editor-in-chief of CNBC Awaaz, so I don’t think I should do it.” 

*Pause* *Two taps on head*!!!!!!! DAMMIT, I thought! Of all the people! Wife of the editor-in-chief of CNBC Awaaz, the sister concern of CNN IBN!! Why? I looked up to the skies and asked!!!

I don’t remember the later part of the event.  I must have said sorry, they must have walked off with smiles, the camera people would have laughed at me and I would have looked like a complete idiot.  But I did not care.

Soon enough I found another lady, who spoke well and we packed up.  All through the rest of the night, I was tossing the event left, right and centre in my head. 

As I was telling my friends, when God had too much of goof ups in store to load on some mortal’s head, I must have gone to Him and begged them to be loaded on my head!

(I)ndia Positive

Since my last two-three posts have been slightly disturbing ones, I am thinking let me go for a really positive sequence of events during my stay in Mumbai.  This happened on my third day in Mumbai. 

I stay at Malad and my office is in Lower Parel.  So for a non-Mumbaikar like me, the distance gets tiring.  Adding to it are my train woes.  Anyway, the day before that good day, I was told by a local friend to get down at Dadar (that’s two stations before Lower Parel) and take a cab to office, which she said is easier.  I thought I would try that.  So on the concerned day, I get down at Dadar, utterly clueless how to go forward!

For a Mumbaikar, the crowd definitely appeals or lets say, is no big deal.  After all they are a part of it.  I am demophobic (fear of crowd) and it scares the living daylights out of me.  Hence, with no sense of directions I sat down at the Dadar station bench and wondered what to do.  The expression on my face must have been really dramatic for as soon as I got up, a ticket checker asked me for the station pass.  Since I had a first class pass, he checked it and let me go with a curious expression on his face.

I got out of the station and looked for a cab.  For 20 minutes no cab could be found.  I was scared and worried.  I was getting late for office and I hated to be late.  I walked around a little more and finally found this cab which already had a passenger.  I asked the cab driver if he was going to Lower Parel.  He said he was going to Parla village with the passenger lady.  Again my expressions cheated on me(or played lucky for me!) as I found the driver saying, “Koi nahi, madam. Aap baith jaiye, main apko taxi ke paas drop kar deta hoon. Yahan apko taxi nahi milegi.” (Don’t worry madam. Get in, I shall drop you to a taxi. You wont get a taxi here.)  I was a little reluctant but since there was a lady inside, I got in. 

He drove for 15 minutes and stopped next to a line of taxis.  He got out, and asked the other taxi driver if he would go to Lower Parel.  As he said ok, I was fiddling with my purse.  Seeing that, my former driver uncle (cant just call him a driver after that) said, “Madam, paise ki koi zarurat nahi. Yeh aapko le jayenge.” (Its ok, don’t pay me. He will take you.”  I was quite surprised to say anything further. 

Now, the second cab driver was a really old man.  Flowing white beard and a flat turban sorts on his head.  He asked me where exactly I wanted to go.  I told him and he then said he’s not too sure about the building.  As I started to look dismayed, he quickly added, “Aap baitho hum dhoond lenge.” (You sit in, we shall find it.)

I got into his cab and he started driving.  After 5 minutes he started talking with me.  He told me he has been in the city for 35 years and that he lost his family to 1992-93 Bombay riots.  He then asked about me.  I told me we are four girls here, for training and that we live in a flat in Malad.  I did not go too much in details since I was still not very sure.  Then he said something quite unexpected.  He said that he helps new people in the city anytime and anywhere.  That he can arrange for accommodations and stuff.  Then he gave me his mobile number and said people call him ‘Khan chacha’ (Khan uncle).  He asked me to give him a call whenever I was in trouble or lost and he would come help me. 

He did not know my office building but he kept asking people on way and dropped me at the building’s gate.  He took only a nominal sum for a 30-minutes ride.  He started his car, smiled at me and added, “Kahin bhi kuch bhi zarurat to hame call karna beta.” (Call me if you need me anytime and anywhere, child.)

I am bad with directions and roads.  I cannot remember a road until I travel through it 4-5 times.  That day after office, I got lost on my way to station.  Last two days, I had my father to help me to the station.  But this was dreadful.  I was tired, hungry, lost and worried.  There were people all around but most of them looked sinister to me( or at least so, to the mind of a lost girl).  Finally I saw a man walking briskly towards me with a suitcase in hand.  On an impulse I asked him the way to station.  He said, “Come with me, I am towards station too.”

I cursed myself for asking him. God knows where he might take me.  But something inside me told me to go ahead.  And I did.  He not only led me to the station but took me straight to where the ladies’ first class coach stops.  He waited there with me as a train chugged in and saw me to the coach.  Due to the crowd and rush, I couldn’t turn back and say a thank you.

Three complete strangers helped me almost unreservedly in my crisis.  Situations did not even let me thank them.  All I could do was to wish them all good things in life.

I still hate the crowd.  But I love the fact that there are some who care unconditionally for someone who is not a part of their crowd.

Pseudo-experience!

It is not good to live in others’ shoes. It’s worse to re-live their worst experiences.  Especially if the incident had turned out to be a dreaded event.  I cannot really say I got a chance, since it wasn’t really a chance, but I had to do a little enactment of an incident.

4^th March, 2011

CNN IBN Studio

Reconstruction of Aruna’s tale

I never understood why news channels did it.  Reconstructing a story that had either spoilt someone’s life or led someone’s life through hell.  But I wanted to find out.  And I certainly did.

I was asked to be a part of the reconstruction of Aruna Shanbaug’s story while interning at CNN IBN.  I thought it was just a sidey part, but when given the costume, I realized I had to be Aruna.  That was when I realized what mind-clogging means.

After I changed, I was told the script.  There were only 4-5 shots.  Aruna enters the nurse station.  Starts to fiddle with her things.  The ward boy enters.  Starts to strangle her with a dog chain and a tussle ensues.  She falls down, he tightens the noose and she passes out.

As we started enacting, it became scarier.  I could visualize the real nurse-station, the gloomy darkness, and the bare cold walls.  I was forgetting it was the studio.  I knew I was supposed to just act, be in her character, but ‘act’.  Even then it was becoming difficult. 

During the shot of the tussle, I barely remember things.  All I knew or thought was that here is a woman who is suffering the worst nightmare anybody could ever have.  I was jostled in a scripted manner.  It was all an enactment, I kept chanting. 

The guy who enacted the rapist got little cuts by the end of the shoot.  He had my sympathies.  After all it wasn’t his fault that I got so engrossed.  But I had the most animalistic feeling of hatred towards the real guy.

I was relieved when it ended.  With a coffee in hand, I sat down to do the contemplations.  The first thought that struck me was that it has never ended for the real lady.

Due date

It has come back, all over again, after 3 years.  Did I think that a random ramble across the library of the Manipal Institute of Communication would lead to that book and it would come to haunt me after 3 years?  I did not.

3 years ago

October 2006

It was sometime towards the mid of first semester.  I was bored since submissions had time and classes weren’t that interesting.  That’s when I decided to go for reading.  As I went through the library, I didn’t come across any of the usuals. Sidney Sheldon, Ken Folett, Peter James, Jeffery Archer no one was in sight. Damn!  Then resignedly I took the nearest book in sight.  Oh, an Indian writer.  I am not a prejudiced person, but somehow I have found these ‘one time’ Indian writers quite boring.  Pinky Virani. The name did not strike a cord except the surname for the obvious reasons (Virani has been a domestic surname since a certain Ms E Kapoor made it so).

Anyway, as I read the summary on the cover, I realized it was a tragedy. Not the Shakespeare kinds, but rather raw and real.  The next few days were those of a tempest.  I was feeling and living the book.  Not because it was written well, but because it was about an ordeal that renders anyone’s heart and mind to tatters.  Towards the end of the book, I realized it was a real life story.  I was jostled, since reading the book was a shocking experience in itself.  I remember keeping the book, re-reading it and even trying to find out if I can keep the book forever.  I was surprised at myself, since I have never come across a book that made such an impact on me.  After I returned the book, I couldn’t get over the story.  But college and its atmosphere took over gradually.

3 years later.

December 2009

It has come back to me in a weird manner.  It surfaced again, when a mercy-killing plea was put up.  That was when the loop was at an exact half.  Pinky Virani and a lawyer had approached the Supreme Court with a plea of euthanasia for the main character of the story.  It was real and the sufferer has been surviving, rather suffering the ordeal since past 38 years.  Somewhere things began to get muddled up again.  Somethings remain at the back of your mind however hard you try to forget or ignore them.  A slight reminder and it all gushes in, in double strength.  And here it definitely was no slight reminder.

4 months later.

March 2, 2011.

2^nd week at internship and the story strikes again.  I know I want to associate myself to it probably, to overcome the tempest inside me.  I ask for the details of who’s covering it and join the crew.  It is the plea’s judgment today.

4 months later.

March 2, 2011

3 pm

I am waiting in the OB van for the judgment to come and to do my package of the story.  Suddenly my reporter comes running and says, “Pack up, the judgment has been reserved till Monday.”  And I immediately comment in my head, 'I am never going to overcome this.  Its too deep in my heart and mind for me to let go.' 

To be continued…

Till Monday...